Quagaar
by pbellosom
Summary: As the crew fly further through space they intercept a strange message. Finally contact with aliens. However these aliens are after Rimmer's blood because he defiled the tomb of their leader in the episode "Waiting for God." Finished.
1. chapter 1

I know that the Quagaar pod shown in "Waiting for god" was in fact a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod. Well what if it was just coincidence that the Quagaar writing said "Red Dwarf Garbage Pod" if you added extra bits. What if it was coincidence that the body inside looked like roast chicken. What if the Quagaar were real.................  
  
I don't own Red Dwarf or any of the characters.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Red Dwarf flew on through space guided by Holly, little aware of the far bigger ship tailing them. In her senile state of mind he probably wouldn't care anyway. The crew of this ship did care though. They had been tailing this ship for 2 years now looking for revenge.  
  
The captain stood on the deck looking out on the view screen. Finally they would have their revenge on the heathens who despoiled the grave of their great leader. The fools did not realise they had set a beacon on the tomb. Silently he gave a prayer of thanks to the god of war "Teya Lula" for letting them get this far. A lowly conscript on the bridge interrupted his prayer though with a cry of,  
  
"Sir. The heathen ship is in firing range." Captain Lacaros turned to face the insolent swine that dared interrupt his prayers.  
  
"I can see that, conscript." The conscript gulped. "You have interrupted my prayers." The conscript gulped again. "Now Teya Lula will demand a sacrifice. You have just volunteered. Guards!" 4 members of the warrior caste marched up to the conscript and dragged him off by the arms and the wings. Firing range did not matter yet. These creatures called humans had despoiled the grave of their great leader now they must suffer. A quick death would be too good for them.  
  
Rimmer couldn't sleep. He couldn't help thinking about the Quagaars. What if they had been real? What if it had all been a coincidence? What if they were real? What if he had actually found the corpse of an alien and Lister and Holly had tricked him into thinking it wasn't real because they were jealous. They didn't want him to get all the glory for discovering aliens. Suddenly it was all coming together. Why Lister had always been so mean to him. He was jealous. That was why he kept failing his engineering exam even though he was obviously a genius, Lister had sabotaged the results. Lister had probably even changed the menu that fateful day to Gazpacho soup. Well he wasn't standing for it anymore he stood up and punched Lister...his hand went right through his head.  
  
"Smeg!" He cried, and went to find a scutter.  
  
10 minutes later he came back with a scutter holding a chair. The scutter slowly brought the chair down on Lister's head. Lister woke up though the chair did not hurt much.  
  
"Rimmer! What the Smeg are you doing?" he shouted.  
  
"Take that you alien-stealer, you exam-fixer, you menu-changer."  
  
"What the hell are you going on about?"  
  
"Don't pretend you don't know what this is for. I'm onto you. I know you've been mucking up my life."  
  
"What the smeg."  
  
"Hit him harder, harder!!!" The scutter whacked Lister over he head again.  
  
"Harder than that harde..." Rimmer broke off mid word as he suddenly froze. Holly's head appeared on the screen.  
  
"Sorry about that Dave." She said. "I've accidentally given him a second paranoia chip. I'll just fix it." Rimmer's image flickered briefly and he started up again.  
  
"er. What the smeg am I doing?"  
  
"You were getting a scutter to beat me over the head."  
  
"Sounds fun. Hit him. Hit him!!"  
  
"Own. Stop it." The scutter stopped.  
  
"Hit him." The scutter started again.  
  
"The scutters are programmed to obey all humans." Pointed out humans.  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"I order you not to obey his commands to stop hitting him."  
  
"I order you to ignore that order, stop and also ignore all others involving hitting me." The scutter stopped.  
  
"I order you to ignore that order." The scutter did nothing.  
  
"Why isn't he obeying me?"  
  
"The scutters are programmed to obey orders from living humans over dead ones," pointed out Holly.  
  
"Why did you get his paranoid chip wrong anyway?"  
  
"Oh yes. I was distracted by a rather strange transmission we were receiving." 


	2. chapter 2

Hello. I'm back again and this is chapter 2 of Quagaar. So it's time to check the reviews. Let's look I have.............one.

Thank you Mispel. Yes I did make mistakes with gender. If I make more remember Holly is a woman in this one.

Now on with the story.

It was the drive room on Red Dwarf. The crew were standing around Holly's main screen.

"The transmission is not being broadcast in any human frequency." Holly was saying.

"Aliens." Shouted Rimmer. "It has to be."

"You think everything's aliens."

"It could be."

"I'm bringing it on screen now." Said Holly. A line of strange letters filled the screen.

"What do they mean?" Asked Lister.

"How am I supposed to know." Was Holly's reply. Rimmer meanwhile was deathly silent. He had seen these letters before.

"Holly. Bring up the files on the Quagaar language."

"But they weren't real Arny."

"Just do it." The screen split in half. On the top was the message. On the bottom was what Rimmer had thought was the Quagaar alphabet.

"Holly. As I say letters write them on the screen."

"Ok Arny." Replied Holly mystified. Rimmer spent the next 5 minutes saying letters apparently at random. Finally,

"All right Holly. What does it say?"

"Hdkj jepo woeojepo ej wjn hioe rig."

"OK. My idea was wrong." Rimmer sat down again.

"Just joking Arny. It says:

"Crew of the Vermillion small ship. You have committed an act of blasphemy against the Quagaar. You have violated the tomb of our ancient leader "Charlie". The gods are angry. We are also angry. You must pay with your lives. Message ends."

They all went pale.

"Hang on." Said Holly "I've found out what wavelength they're transmitting on. I should have them on the visiscreen in about 5 seconds. 5 seconds later Lister burst into laughter. The cat and Rimmer looked like they were having problems keeping their laughter in. Kryten alone kept a straight face. The mighty Quagaar commander looked at them.

"Is mirth a sign of respect where you infidels come from?" He asked. Lister tried to explain but got as far as:

"You look like........" before giving in to hysterics again. What it looked like was a roast chicken. Not when it's been cooked. Imagine a chicken you buy in a supermarket. Now imagine it on its side so that the 2 legs stuck out in front complete with bare bones at the bottom. Now imagine it wearing a cloak. Then you'd have a vague impression of what a Quagaar looked like.


	3. chapter 3

So. Back again for chapter 3 of this story. But first once again it's review time.

Well there's not much comments I can make about these two except thank you very much.

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So on with the story.

The Quagaar captain looked down on the giggling form of Lister on the floor. He gave a snort of disapproval.

"Silence!" he boomed. "You have sinned."

"How can we sin against a chicken." Laughed Lister but Rimmer's face had gone green.

"The garbage pod." He said in a hoarse voice.

"What?"

"The garbage pod. I must have been right. It must have been a Quagaar warrior."

"How could it buddy." Said the Cat. "That's crazier than saying that luminous green looks good on everyone." The Quagaar captain was getting annoyed. Here he was announcing he was going to have the entire crew of this ship killed and they were giggling, changing colour and making strange comments about clothes.

"How dare you blaspheme against Luminous Green the colour of Teya Lula if it was possible for you to survive being killed we'd kill you afterwards." Lister tried to picture a Quagaar wearing a luminous green traffic warden's uniform and fell into hysterics again. Rimmer however went white (the Quagaar captain stared at the Cat expecting him to make a comment about clothes but he didn't).

"What do you mean...kill us?"

"You have disturbed the tomb of our great leader "Heinz Baked Beans Multipack" (Lister broke into more hysterics). You must make amends to his soul before he gains permission from the god "Hepatuya" to return to this world and haunt us all."

"Sure." Said Rimmer, brightening up and the sound of this. "How much do we owe you?"

"All your lives!!!" Rimmer fainted.

"How odd." Observed Kryten. "Holograms aren't able to faint." Rimmer got up again. He looked quite embarrassed.

"I knew that." He muttered in a way that fooled no-one. The captain sighed; this was going to take all day. He looked again at the screens; they still would not be in firing range for 5 minutes. 5 minutes of this mindless drivel. He began to wonder whether Heinz Baked Beans Multipack would want these people's souls. Still the law decreed they must be offered to him so...

Back on the Dwarf, Holly noticed something through the windows. She called the others over to look and they all gaped. There in the emptiness of space was a fleet of ships of unimaginable size. Lister broke once more into hysterics. They were all shape like giant chickens only they were green. The crew gazed out in wonderment (with the occasional giggle) at the Quagaar fleet. Onboard the flagship the captain realised that they were in range. Lister's giggles turned to moans of fear as the neck of these chickens fired green beams of light. A few seconds later 1/8 of the dwarf fell away into the emptiness. Alarm bells went off everywhere.

"Emergency, emergency. Hull breached, hull breached." Screamed Holly. "Nanobots initiated to solve the problem. Crew are advised to evacuate ship until told to return." They didn't need telling twice.

The dwarfwers ran down the corridors towards the docking bay. Holly continued screaming reports on the damage as they went. Until...

"Holographic simulation suite hit by fire." Rimmer went pale as his image flickered and died. Lister gaped. Rimmer was destroyed. With the holographic suite destroyed there was no way to bring Rimmer back his personality was stored on disk in there and now...He never thought he'd feel sad but he did. Lister stood there gazing at the deactivated lightbee. A tear fell from his eye. He stood still as explosion after explosion rocked the ship. Kryten tugged at his shoulder.

"Come on sir. There'll be time to celebrate later." Lister nodded.

"You're right. Lets go." They ran on, damage reports flooding their ears. Suddenly Holly announced:

"Computer core destroyed. Holly will now deactivate permanently. Hey wait don't I get any choice in theeeeeeeee........" Holly's image disappeared and a sign appeared in her screen.

"_No computer detected. Please install a computer." _Even Cat let out a gasp this time. Two of their number killed in as many seconds. They ran on and finally reached the docking bay. Picking a craft at random they climbed in and flew out. Masked by the laser fire the Quagaar did not notice.

"Alright Kryten. Get us the Smeg out of here." Lister shouted. Kryten pulled a leaver marked Ion drive and waited. He pulled it again. Then he looked at the ships registration written above the view screen.

"Smeeee" He muttered. "Sirs. We appear to have picked Starbug 9 as our getaway craft."

"What's wrong with that?" Asked Lister.

"I took out this crafts Ion drive and replaced it with something we were experimenting with onboard the Nova 5. I didn't expect people to use this ship." Behind them a massive explosion lit up the stars. Red Dwarf had been destroyed. With no laser fire to mask them the Quagaar finally saw them. the massive fleet turned and sped after them.

"With no Ion drive this ship will only be able to travel at very slow speeds." The Cat looked at the readouts of the engine.

"I reckon I could hold them off for about one hour before we die." He announced. It was then Lister saw there only chance.

"Kryten." He said. "What exactly where they working on?"


	4. Chapter 4

Hmm. No reviews for chapter 3 so I guess it's straight on to Chapter 4. The very unRimmerlike things that he does are explained later on.

Lister looked as Kryten pulled something out of a large cupboard at the back. It looked like a lightbee.

"See this sir." Said Kryten.

"This is a Timebee. On the Nova 5 we experimented with devising a way to send people back in time. The biggest thing we were able to send back though was a Lightbee. We managed to send a hologram back in time but we wanted to be able to send people back as well." Kryten opened the door to where the Ion Drive should have been. In its place stood what very much resembled an electric chair.

"We developed this. You strap a human in, wire him up and then pull this switch. The human then can no longer move their own body and in stead moves a hologram body. We can then send the hologram back in time and when his job is done we turn off the chair and the human is here." Lister looked at it.

"Strap me in, Kryten." He commanded.

"But sir. The process is highly experimental there is a 50 chance it will kill you."

"We'll die if I don't. Strap me in."

Lister experimented with his new Hologram body. He looked exactly as normal but he had a big "T" on his forehead. Kryten explained that Holograms had "H"s and time travellers would have "T"s if they'd ever got home and sold this technology. Cat looked at him.

"Wow." He said. "The insurance company has given us a courtesy Goalposthead while the old one is being repaired.

Lister sat in the chair strapped in. The Cat hadn't been too enthusiastic with the idea of saving Rimmer until he found out his suits would be safe as well. Kryten went over a few procedures.

"Sir. If at anytime your body dies your real body dies you'll die. If the ship runs out of power you will either die by some weird electronic thing or by lack of Oxygen in the ship. At the most you'll have two hours but it could be a lot less if the Quagaar get us. If you succeed in your mission you will find yourself where you would be if whatever changes you made happened. You will be the only one with memories of these events."

"Just get it over with Kryten."

"Yes Sir."

_**Three years earlier.**_

Lister materialized in a random corridor. He heard footsteps and hid. The Cat walked past muttering about how good looking he was. Lister crept behind him. Rimmer walked in from the other direction and almost walked into the Cat. Lister listened in and heard the words:

"This is my shiny thing, and if you try and take it off me, I may have to eat you"

"It's a yo-yo, you modo." Lister grinned. He remembered the "shiny thing." The Cat had gone on about it for weeks. Finally a skutter ran it over. Lister had to tell the Cat that it had gone off to become more shiny and the Cat had eventually forgotten about it. Well Lister knew Kryten had set the right date. Now to find his past self.

Past Lister (hereafter referred to as PLister) was getting annoyed. He was trying to explain the fact that he was God to the Cat. It was not going well:

"Well if you're God I gotta ask you the Ultimate Question." PLister looked apprehensive. "If you're God...why that face?" And with that the Cat left. PLister groaned. Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

"Dave. Don't get worried when I come out. I have something very important to tell you." PLister looked around. Nervously he said,

"OK" PLister watched as what he'd presumed was Rimmer's new cigar case floated into the air. A light on its side winked for a second and a person appeared.

"Smeg!" muttered Lister. If I'd know how bad that felt I wouldn't have kept making Rimmer do it." He thought for a second. "Actually I'd make him do it more." PLister looked on in amazement.

"Er. Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm you, Davy. From the future. I've got something very important to tell the whole crew." It was then PLister noticed the "T".

"You're dead!" he gasped.

"Not yet. But I will be if this doesn't work."

The crew sat in the Drive room.

"So you see. If you do not pick up the pod then the Quagaar will not go after us and we won't all die." Lister concluded. Rimmer looked up.

"You want me to turn down the chance to meet aliens?!" he asked incredulously.

"I want you to turn down the chance to die by the hands of aliens."

"It's worth the risk." Shouted Rimmer.

"It's not a risk. It's Smegging guaranteed that we will all die. Look Cat you don't want him to take the pod. All your suits were destroyed when the ship blew up."

"Sirs. I urge you to take a vote." Announced Kryten before Rimmer and Lister could break into a fight. Rimmer grinned. Lister wondered why Rimmer was being so brave.

"All right if it's a draw we go for the pod." He said cheerily. "Kryten you won't pass down to chance to meet aliens, will you?"

"I'm sorry sir. But if there's a chance humans will die I cannot agree to it." Rimmer's smile faded a little.

"Cat. How would you like someone entirely new to criticise the fashion sense of."

"And let my suits get destroyed." Rimmer looked worried.

"Listy. You've been my friend for years. You're not going to take the word of this obvious impostor over me are you? I mean what sort of hologram has a "T" on his forehead." PLister grinned and gestured at Lister.

"How can I not side with so handsome?"

"Then it's decided." Said Lister triumphantly. "We don't get the pod."

"Allright." Sulked Rimmer.

Lister, the Cat, Kryten and PLister were in Lister's quarters talking. Lister was wondering why he hadn't gone home yet. Suddenly Holly appeared on a screen.

"All right Dudes, how's it hanging?"

"You're male Holly." Gasped Lister.

"Yes. What's your point?" Lister remembered that this was before they met Hilly.

"Oh nothing. What's up?"

"Oh yeah. Rimmer's overridden my systems. He's just brought the pod on board."

"Smeg." Shouted both Listers in unison.

"Now what do we do?" asked the Cat.

"I have an idea." Said Kryten.


	5. Chapter 4 again

OK. I made a major mistake last chapter. It said Kryten was there. He was not instead PLister said the line he had back in time. Very sorry. Thank you to mattjabarr for noticing. Alright there have been no reviews but that's because I haven't given time for them to arrive.

Lister experimented with his new Hologram body. He looked exactly as normal but he had a big "T" on his forehead. Kryten explained that Holograms had "H"s and time travellers would have "T"s if they'd ever got home and sold this technology. Cat looked at him.

"Wow." He said. "The insurance company has given us a courtesy Goalposthead while the old one is being repaired.

Lister sat in the chair strapped in. The Cat hadn't been too enthusiastic with the idea of saving Rimmer until he found out his suits would be safe as well. Kryten went over a few procedures.

"Sir. If at anytime your body dies your real body dies you'll die. If the ship runs out of power you will either die by some weird electronic thing or by lack of Oxygen in the ship. At the most you'll have two hours but it could be a lot less if the Quagaar get us. If you succeed in your mission you will find yourself where you would be if whatever changes you made happened. You will be the only one with memories of these events."

"Just get it over with Kryten."

"Yes Sir." Kryten reached out to type on a small keypad. Suddenly a loud beeping filled the room.

"What the Smeg is that?!" demanded Lister.

"It appears to be a reminder that someone has set onboard the computer at some time. I can't concentrate with this noise sir."

"Alright. What is it" a picture of Lister appeared on the screen with a big "T" on his forehead.

"Hi me." It said. "This is the tenth Lister to go back in time. Every time it has failed. Rimmer has always taken the pod onboard anyway despite knowledge that it would destroy him. According to Kryten it's because it's his destiny. Lister number 7 tried changing the Starbug we take. That doesn't work either. I think I've worked out the answer though. This is my plan..."

_**Three years earlier.**_

Lister materialized in the Drive Room. He saw Rimmer and Holly in conversation,

"Where is it?"

"It's in scoop range, Arnold." They both stared at a screen intently.

"It's a pod! Holly, brin..." he stopped as Lister walked up to him and punched him in the face.

"You hit me!!!" He shouted incredulously, "how dare you hit me! Hey you touched me. What the Smeg is going on" Lister punched him again. And again. And again. Lister finally knocked Rimmer unconscious.

"What's up Dave?" asked Holly.

"Holly. I want you to delete all record of this pod from Rimmer's memory. Can you do that?"

"Alright Dave."

"And once the pod is out of range delete it from your own."

"Why?"

"You might accidentally tell Rimmer. Got that."

"Yes. But Dave how did you..." Holly's voice faded out as Lister saw everything go black.

"What are you drivelling on about?" asked Rimmer. "You know perfectly well all he wants is to do lots of washing. And have you ever tried watching that show?" Lister looked confused.

"What?" he asked.

"Have you ever watched it? It's worse than Eastenders."

"What is?"

""Androids" of course." Lister looked very confused.

"What is going on?"

"You just suggested that to celebrate a year since we first met Kryten we all watch all of "Androids" with him at the ships cinema."

"So I did it then?"

"Did what Lister?"

"Change time."

"You know Lister. You have less brains than a psychopathic chipmunk without a head."

"I'm telling you man. It really happened." The crew ere gathered in the canteen as Lister explained what had happened. None of them believed them. Not even Kryten.

"Look if it never happened then how do I know about the timebee and Starbug 9?"

"You could have tried to take Starbug 9 for a trip and found the equipment there." Pointed out Rimmer.

"It really..." he was cut short as Kochanski materialised out of nowhere with a big "T" on her forehead.

"Dave." She shouted. "You're alive!" she rushed over to him and tried to hug him but went through him.

"Smeg." She muttered.

"Kris." Gasped Lister. "You're alive?" Kochanski looked a bit confused.

"You don't know?" she asked. Then she saw Rimmer, or more importantly his "H".

"You're still a hologram? Smeg! I knew I shouldn't have let Holly program the machine. I'm five years too early. Listen it is vital you listen to this. There's just me and McGruder left and soon there will only be McGruder. Listen. In five years time you will encounter a wormhole leading to Titan the week after the accident. Whatever you do don't go to the mass funeral for the crew of Red Dwarf. This is vital.

**THE END. **

If this ending is liked I might right some more about when Kochanski came from.


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